I know that's flipped around. I did it on purpose.
My thoughts have been bothering me as of late. If the tagline for my blog is "do not stand in the center if you do not wish to be shaken", then I guess the appropriate summary of these thoughts has been: "do I get anyone to stand with me?" You know. Lonely thoughts.
It's easier to get wrapped up in this kind of thought train when there's really no one around during the summer. When school hits, I don't even think twice about it. In fact, I enjoy the freedom that being single brings, because I don't think I'd be able to do the things I'm doing if I wasn't single. It kinda sucks to admit that, but I know it's true. Most of you know that I need a cowbell sometimes in order to find me on a weeknight (because I NEVER carry my cell phone. give me a break, it's prepaid). And with my plans to go into international medicine... how can I attach to anyone without letting go of my dream? In all seriousness, that situation is probably not as severe as it sounds. Still-- it makes me wonder how effective I would be either way.
The apostle Paul has a nice little presentation in Corinthians about this issue. I try to steer clear of that chapter (like just about everyone else at SAU), but I'm finding he raises some good points. To serve God, he points out, is a higher calling than any earthly relationship can replace. And to tie in with a recent morning devotion from the last chapter of John, my calling is to put my faith and love into practice, not just words. That sounds familiar. Oh, yes...
"Deeds without words." The family motto since my crusading ancestor, Johann Grosshans. (I kinda laughed when I found this out, since it was close to what I had decided to live by, anyway.)
From time to time during my growing up, I would seriously ponder this thought of God's will for my relationships. I would constantly remind myself that if it must be, I'll remain single (gulp). Upon the mention of this, my friends would be friends; and they would interject that I was "James Grant", and that this somehow meant that I was bound to be bound someday. And I refused to believe it. After all, it was the truth that I loved so dearly (see My Steadfast Lover) that I valued greater than their opinions.
After thinking about all of this, I compare this summer to last summer. If you didn't read my blogs from last summer, then let me bring you up to speed-- it was the worst summer of my life. I did a lot of growing, at the expense of my heart nearly turning to cold ice. In total contrast, this has been one of the best summers of my life: and the ever-bold optimist in my soul screams, "Be grateful, will you?"
I recently bore witness to a friend of mine done wrong in a relationship; in a horrible, despicable way. I don't think that anyone saw it coming, especially not me. I never wanted to say this, but maybe it pays for me to be single. For now, in the fog.
No comments:
Post a Comment