A true mark of shame for me is that amid the chaos of this past semester, I disposed of a habit I developed as an everyday (or night, rather) occurence at The Brook. Freewriting-- which became my primary method of processing and debriefing in a very mentally volatile environment-- circled up and vanished like the dust of a windstorm. A vital leak in my mind for jumbled, confused thoughts was plugged. I didn't notice.
I'm taking it back.
I am the only person within a 50' radius right now who can pee standing up. Do you think that might have an effect on how I act? It's strange to think about the baby making noises that isn't crying it's something I've had to get used to like being the only person on the unit who grows hair on their face. And the baby noises are making me miss my nephew who I've never met and that makes me regret that there are people who desperately want to be involved in the kid's life, and he'll never meet them. He'll know them from Christmas cards and Thanksgiving "oh that's who brought the awesome beans" but he'll never know me-- and I'm arrogant enough to believe I'm blameless enough to be a role model-- but I just want some information. Feedback that I did all right. Can I live without it? This kid makes me want to pack up and leave sometimes-- they all have. And I convince myself that it's worth it to have started a new life in a new place away from them but I admit it hurts a lot somethings to hear about my brother having a beer without me or a baby wondering aloud where his uncle is