Game review: Disney's Pirates Online

Under the influence of my "friends", I decided to download and try out Pirates Online. This game was an awful waste of time. I give it a -9.5/10, and I would not recommend it to anyone, ever.


Now, I'll explain.

First of all, on the website, the required system specs to run the game could be found on a computer that was built to survive the Y2K virus. However, I found my computer (which is significantly better than the required system to run the game) was constantly trying to keep up. I would take a few steps, freeze. Another couple of steps, freeze. This took place on an island where it was only me walking around, making it very difficult for me to slay a sand crab before it pinched me to death. Ugh.

Next was the name system... I can understand what they were trying to do with this, and I understand why they want it this way. You're only allowed to have a "piratey" name. It makes sense, doesn't it? Now, they give you a set of pirate names they've provided that you may choose a combination of for your pirate. I didn't like any of them. After a little deliberation, I decided on the name "Tiny Hands Flannigan." After all, he was my pirate, and he had a mohawk. I followed the long list of rules they gave me, and turned my name in for approval; I was temporarily given the name "Pirate." This afternoon, while I was loading the game and simultaneously wondering why I hadn't already uninstalled this stupid game, a message box brings word that my submitted name had been rejected. Seriously? Seriously. Apparently, "Tiny Hands Flannigan" has some innuendoes or drug references of which I was previously unaware. I had to settle for "Isaiah McWrecker."Ugh.

Finally, the commercial says the game is free and it lies. While you can play the main story quest (and believe me, it takes a while) and get a few goodies and upgrades for free, the vast majority of the game is available for $10/month. Give me a break! So, after getting stabbed to death by a giant scorpion on a deserted island for a sufficient amount of time to afford a nicer ship, Isaiah McWrecker gets to look forward to sailing around in the same frickin' sloop he started off in. Ugh.

There are redeeming qualities. The most obvious is the fact that you can be a pirate, which rules. The ability to run around and slay baddies with weapons such as a cutlass, pistol, or even a voodoo doll is pretty wicked-- and the fighting was admittedly cool when I stumbled upon a ten-second lapse in the walk-freeze-walk cycle. Finally, I loved to sail and take down ships in the open water. But it's tough when you can't see what's happening most of the time, and even tougher when the only ship you can sail in is constantly inferior, because you haven't handed any money over to the Disney empire for a digital galleon. "Captain McWrecker" doesn't really have a good ring to it, anyway.

It's a pretty good idea, but the epic-failitude in fundamentals (such as allowing the game to run smoothly, giving me my creativity, or the ever-important free of cost) hurts this game way too bad for it to ever be fun.

By the way, I apologize for yelling "Stop blowin' 'oles in my ship!" every twenty seconds in the lobby this afternoon. I couldn't help it.