Missed chances

(In house where retired NFL greats call home:
MARINO is found sleeping in his bed. He is having a dream. The Dolphins have won the Super Bowl, and MARINO is lifted up on the shoulders of his teammates after winning MVP. The players then suddenly evaporate, along with the trophy and crowds, and he falls on the bare grass. This wakes him up. He pouts as he crawls out of bed and heads to the kitchen.

AIKMAN is already in the kitchen. He is sitting on a stool next to the island, eating cereal. YOUNG is also in the kitchen, making coffee. MARINO stumbles in, rubbing his eyes.)

AIKMAN: Hey, rough night, Marino?
MARINO: Yeah, I had a really weird dream.
AIKMAN: Oh yeah?

(MARINO grabs some milk from the fridge and turns back to AIKMAN.)

MARINO: (pause) Troy, if you got the chance to go back and do it again, what would you do differently?

(AIKMAN thinks. YOUNG's attention is distracted from the coffee, pending AIKMAN's reply. AIKMAN raises a spoonful of Wheaties to his mouth, and a ray of light glimmers from one of his Super Bowl rings. He smiles.)

AIKMAN: Nothing, Dan.

(MARINO looks down at his bare hand. YOUNG chuckles, but looks back to see coffee all over the counter.)

YOUNG: (cursing inaudibly)
MARINO: Whoa, got that, ace?



This is the type of thing I think about in the shower.

When I don't care

was it perfection that you wanted
it added up to be your fall
to your mistakes
you wanted it to be inside your worst belief

was it another thing you started
it added up to be your fall
to your mistakes
you wanted it to be his voice that calls your name

and I'm sorry
for all those things in me
when I don't care
I know you're always there

I just wanted to get this started

["Starting Line" by Number One Gun]

Taming a ghost

Vengeance always sounds like a nice idea.

From my perspective, descending upon a former love like a shadowy hawk sounded great. Like a time-traveling, transparent ghost, I would have both the element of surprise and previously unseen ferocity. I jumped all over the thought of discovering the truth that she was, and is, such a terrible person. And what right would she have to fight back? I would have victory almost by default.

Man's anger does not work out God's righteousness.

I don't hunt for sport-- I only kill what I eat. What right do I have to strike out at her? I would suffer defeat as soon as I began.

Contentment can't be trusted

sometimes I hate when everything's okay
where is the chaos and decay
where's the heartache and the tears
and all the pain I hold so dear
sometimes when everything's all right
I find I just can't sleep at night
contentment can't be trusted
wasn't meant for "well-adjusted"

sometimes when things are all screwed up
oh man I just can't get enough
out of control don't let it stop
can't wait for the other shoe to drop
two moons like Damocles
like kaboom, kabow to all of these
I swear sometimes I can almost feel my soul

movin on and I'm still livin in a Babylon daze
I'm failing forward on an awkward state of grace
gonna see if all that's to that fire
is used by my high-tension wires
heck no one was watching anyway

it's like I just can't take the peace
I need the wedge I need release
need to know when things are wrong
need another angry song
so keep your quiet keep your calm
I'll go off like a bomb
if only just to feel my flippin heartbeat

movin on and I'm still livin in a Babylon daze
I'm failing forward on an awkward state of grace
gonna see if all that's to that fire
is used by my high-tension wires
heck no one was watching anyway

["Babylon Daze" by The Havenots]

He makes the road rise

I think I believe, sometimes, that it's my job to crash. If there is a God who is eternally good, then the only way bad can exist in my life is through me. Think about that for a second, because that'll take you where I go.

Good needs evil. If there is nothing corrupt, then what is pure? Everyone agrees, and has been agreeing, on this. Does God need us, though? I mean, that's a good question, right?

If he's all-powerful, then no. Why would he need us?
But he still made us, so we do have some sort of needful purpose.

Fascinating. After all this time, I still don't understand. And it's good. It's difficult for me to surrender my intellect because I am my father's son. This type of submission sets me and others apart, because we're not meant to understand-- not out of pity or condescension, just practicality. I'm a vapor in the wind, and that makes me wonder why I'm trying to understand the breeze that pushes me through the air.

Skeptics say that makes it easier to deal with stupidity.
I say this is the only way you can possibly live without waiting to die.

Now, a few years down this road, I'll look back on what I said in the monumental, profound statement and smile at the fact of how naive I am. The fact that I'm not perfect pushes the road down, and it becomes difficult to see the sun sometimes.

But it doesn't stay there,
but I know I don't stay there,
but I know he's with me,
but I know he's in me,
but I know he will always be good--

but I know he makes the road rise.

What to do, what to do

It's been a long time since I've actually written about what's going on in my life. It's funny, because every time I think I need to blog, I always think that I have nothing to write about. I have a lot to write about.

First of all, I'm both excited and disappointed about next year. I'm disappointed, well, for obvious reasons. In May, the vast majority of my friends will be graduating, and I will be in the audience. I didn't think it would be quite this depressing, but it truly is. But, getting past that, I will be a peer advisor for a third year (HOORAY!), and taking classes that I never thought I would be able to take. And I'll be living in the White House. That is also quite bumpin'.

Secondly, I'm gonna take a trip to Kentucky. Tentative date is May 28th. U of Louisville. Tell your friends. But don't tell them I'm a State fan-- they're probably going to be bitter for a while.

Finally, if anyone knows what I can still do for a job this summer, I'd appreciate a job. I'm working at the HHC, but that's a part-time gig. I need something to do for the rest of the summer. Hmph.

Well, I guess that was it. By the way, props to my PA crew for winning most spirited team at Relay. It was the whistles for sure. =)

Punch it

For who is greater: he who speaks, or he who listens?

I will not "apply" the Scriptures to my life.

I will apply myself to the Scriptures.

(so, do it.)

Slumber and death

In a possible leak of what I will talk about tomorrow at the PA meeting, I feel compelled to share this quote from A Resilient Life by Gordon MacDonald:

"Humility is freedom from thinking about yourself."

It may be empowering to frame humility in this context. I assure you, this is the message that Christ conveyed with his life in regards to selflessness. He said that we will know the truth, and the truth will set us free. What many do not read on to find out is that the Jews were stunned when he said this. Basically, they scratched their heads and replied,

"Free? Free from what?"

From sin, of course. That's what he said. From egocentrism-- from self-centered, narcissistic, God-usurping self-concentration. The truth will set us free. That truth walked out of the city with death strapped to his back and assured everyone who followed him that this life is not for us to hold onto, it is for us to give. The truth is humility, it's selflessness. He said,

"If I didn't have to do this, I wouldn't. But I entrust myself to your will, Father."

Well, shoot. No one said it was easy. I won't romanticize daily suffering-- it is what it is, and it sucks. For some reason, the powerful drug that enflamed the bones of prophets and apostles has been turned into hopeless, helpless tylenol PM... good for minor aches, pains, and sleeping. I noticed it in chapel today: in myself and in everyone else. We're asleep.

I don't think I've ever read anything in the Bible that says anything good about people who fall asleep.

Tradition supports the humble. Scripture stands behind the selfless. Reason causes us to desire it. Experience makes us know it is good. I don't see anywhere we can fight this, brothers and sisters. We've got to wake up and free ourselves from thinking about ourselves!

Course correction

I don't mind the dark. I'm serious. When I walk into places unknown, I embrace the fear and the reality that I don't know where I'm going. It's fun for me to fly without a flightplan. But when the lights click on, that's when I'm disquieted. I fidget, and I can't sit still for the life of me.

Maybe walking in the dark leads me to believe that God will provide everything I need to live the way I think he wants me to. Of course, he does provide, but not always what I want. And when where I thought I was going becomes a lot farther away, it's easy for me to be discouraged. Optimism is easier when you can't see the destination.

Then, in the dark, I don't see who I am. I assume that living my life that way pleases God, because of the chances I take and the trials I face. I can tell myself that the way I've set up this furniture in my room has a special spiritual method, and it's good because of how my life happens around it in the reaching dark. The light reveals how completely unsatisfied I am with this room.

Don't take this the wrong way: this is not some kind of existential crisis. I know who I am, and I know where I came from. But I feel like where I want to be is even farther away than it used to be. Was this planned, or was this because of my lack of a plan? Time will tell. In the mean time, no matter how tired I am, no matter how the path is revealed, no matter how sick I get, I can continue to run forward. And I will.

Changing direction, I think, doesn't mean I was rebelling-- it means I was going somewhere. The wrong direction, though.

I'm the Shredder.

As the camera zooms in on a giant pile of textbooks, papers, references, meeting agendas, and lists of missed calls, I'm waiting to see the hand punch through the side of the mound in dramatic resistance to the onslaught.

Like the Shredder in TMNT II.

Because like the Shredder, I'll probably look back on being covered in garbage and laugh. Then I'll want revenge.

New direction

It's not always the right direction.

But in this case, it is.

Stewardship and submission

(Foreword: this is an essay I had to write for an internship application. I had to describe my interests in environmental science, including my coursework and extracurricular activities.)

“In all things of nature, there is something of the marvelous.” This was said by Aristotle in Parts of Animals, more than 2,000 years before my birth. His aged wisdom may be trapped behind the bars of a history book prison, to be interrogated by the mind of a historian and not one of an observer; but it can live on in my own ways. Nature is, aside from all others, beautiful—this makes its preservation, in my opinion, a worthy end in itself. However, a definitive practicality for this emerges from our own needs as a human species, as well. It is quite obvious to me, at the very least, that humans are offered a choice of interaction with their environment: we may act as blackmailing parasites, or as mutually benevolent partners. In either instance, I believe it follows that care for the environment serves not only my ontology, but my deontology as well.

Realistically, humans are as much of a product of their environment as any other animal. In the way I believe God has intended, we have developed into a species that is quite capable of thriving in a very specific way. It helps to mention, though, that we exist quite differently from other animals. In our case, it is easy to forget that the earth upon which we set out feet, our homes, our cars, and our factories is our biological cradle and fate in common. In a Biblical sense, it is the dust from which we rise, and to which we return. Having our fates so intrinsically combined, should I not make an intentional effort to see its health, its majesty, and its beauty preserved? The earth freely gave us life in the beginning of Genesis, and because of our faults, we now subsist on our exploitation of its life. It is not only my duty to preserve what the earth is and should be, but my right. The God-given gift of life is not one to be mindlessly squandered or stubbornly dismissed as entitlement. It is because of my interest in the conservation of life and beauty that my relationship with the environment has been watermarked by a sense of mutual respect and service, with all that I do.

Stamped across the syllabi of every science course I have taken at Spring Arbor is this commitment to Biblical stewardship. I remember specifically the arduous complication of methods in organic chemistry labs in favor of processes that were “greener” than simpler methods—altogether exemplary of this commitment. In a way, I have continued this course in my participation with a project on campus, designed to utilize biodiesel instead of normal fossil fuels. My work in biology courses served my commitment on a much more macroscopic scale. Ecology led me to see the de-magnified nature of nature, and the infinitely complex machines that exist to preserve the lives of individuals and groups. In zoology, botany, cell biology, and biological chemistry, the work I put forth guided me through the discovery of the various ways that smaller, but even more complex machines preserve life as a whole.

As I have explained to my classmates on several occasions, the detail and complexity with which I understand the world has exposed me to a very unique beauty; a beauty I had not previously known, nor appreciated. How could I leave this angel to be forced to descend to the hell of human greed, to the depravity of one-sided and silent disdain? To those uninterested in the aesthetic, are not our fates bound to that of the earth? There is no way for me to distance myself from its majesty, or from the giving submission of nature—so must I choose to submit to nature, in both gratitude and duty.

What it looks like when I cave

Well, nuts. I suppose I've gotta write down 25 random things about myself. But I'm not telling you to read them.

1) Contrary to popular belief, I am not "missing" fingers. They didn't fall off or anything, that's silly. My fingers are, simply, very cleverly disguised by each other, having fused while I was in the womb. (science!)

2) I bought a FC Bayern Munich jacket in Germany. The next day, I discovered that my German ancestors are from Stuttgart. This is the equivalent of a Red Sox fan buying a Yankees jersey. Whoops.

3) Phlebotomy might be my life calling. I actually think it's a lot of fun to draw blood out of other people. This makes me a vampire, I think.

4) I was baptized as a Catholic. Technically, I've been a Catholic for most of my life-- right up until SLR 2007.

5) More often than not, I don't have a plan. Ever. Flying by the seat of my pants has made life both fun and extremely challenging.

6) I used to live on an island, and it was lame.

7) On that note, I've been in the eye of a hurricane. Incredibly surreal.

8) And on that note, I celebrated my eighth birthday while evacuating for Hurricane Bonnie in '96. We still had cake!

9) I love underdogs.

10) I sincerely hope that people don't think I'm trying to be a snob when I read philosophy books. I honestly do enjoy them, and I seriously considered being either a philosophy major or minor.

11) In my senior year of high school, I wrote a research paper on the negative effect of Santa Claus on our society. In doing so, I not only received an A, but also labeled Santa as a drunk and compared him to Stalin.

12) Writing is a minor hobby of mine. I have a notebook of poems that I've written, dating back to tenth grade. Don't ask to read them.

13) My brother and I taught my dad how to play Call of Duty 2. When we're together, at least one family deathmatch is required.

14) Sujon is the name of a child from Bangladesh that I sponsor through Compassion International. He is probably the coolest kid in the universe, and has partially inspired me to become a volunteer advocate for Compassion. You might see me at some tables soon...

15) I think ska is the greatest genre of music in the history of stuff.

16) I was chopped in the throat with a foam sword during my first and only game of Dagorhir.

17) I discovered very young that eating too many Skittles in one sitting will start to bore a hole in your tongue.

18) I used to play the trumpet. I was pretty good, too.

19) I totally freaked out when I beat a song on Expert in Rock Band (drums, "I Think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage). Just ask all of the people I told about it.

20) I've had six years overall of study in French, and I've only really used it twice.

21) My dream job is a public health administrator in East or North Africa.

22) Despite the amount of griping I make about it, I really enjoyed a lot of my job at the front desk of a hotel. I wouldn't mind doing it again.

23) I'm a fidgeter. I'm also a nail-biter.

24) I shot a deer once. It had sixteen pounds of meat on it. I felt terrible, but it tasted really good.

25) I am happiest when I know that someone else is better because of me.

A letter to nature

Dear Nature,

Despite the great efforts you have put forward against me in the past decade, I totally ate some eggs last night. And they were delicious.

In your face,
James

Who needs a TV?

It is not a party until you're calibrating a water-filtration pitcher to eliminate all the carbon dust, while wondering if Airborne NightTime is supposed to make bubbles that fast, and cooking a six-months' frozen turkey pot pie at 2:30 in the morning.

Take it. We know how to get down in 103.

[Edit: this pot pie is all dark meat! $0.69, Meijer??? I got ripped off.]

Propane and policemen

It strikes me as very odd that so many people around me have found it easy to be pessimistic about the next four years. Barack Obama, I think, speaks of a vision that has long been cast by political cynics, whom constitute most of my generation. Does he have the power to vanquish the political dogmas and infighting that make so many of us prefer to vomit than participate?

Well, no. Not by himself, and not in the time allotted.

However, he does represent a popular desire to change the way our representative sovereign state takes care of business around here. We're very lucky to have things the way they are, I'm convinced. Americans enjoy the kind of social freedoms that most of the world can only pray to have. The very fact that Obama was elected by a group of hundreds of millions of people is a testament to the unparalleled collaboration of philosophies of both liberty and community that exists in our nation. I'm proud to have been a part of it... sort of (I did vote for Nader). He is as hopeful as he is optimistic. And wouldn't you know, he and everyone else on that platform this afternoon spoke the words that we needed to hear:

Together, we've thrived; and together, we will continue to do so.

From this, though, we must temper the stoked fire of the desire of progress with the tradition of respect. The problems faced by our society are those provoked by a lack of ethical behavior.

Bankers who conspired to alleviate us of our money, instead of care for it on our behalf.

A long-planned and criminal occupation of a foreign nation, cleverly disguised as a "war", against a faceless enemy, who displays immeasurable qualities of both hatred and resolve; which is justified by a romanticized desire for global peace.

The postmodern family faces its worst challenges yet-- and their failures lead to a list of obvious, pervasive, and grinding defeats.

The popular disintegration of values regarding the life and well-being of another, to the end of personal convenience.

I hate to rain on the parade, but I can't help but point out just a few of the "gathering clouds and raging storms" Obama mentioned. He definitely has his work cut out for him...

... and so do we.

This is why I have a camera.

Snow is like my star.

It's altogether glorious; and by that, I mean that it's pretty. Though, I do enjoy the delicate silence. The hushed excitement of it falling, dancing in front of me... as it swoops down through the streetlight, a glimmer of beauty embraces my eyes. As it joins the top of my head and melts, I'm reminded that there are moments on earth where the present is heaven.

I can never forget that it's there-- snow reminds me of its uniqueness with every step I take. It reminds me of the fact that I have a camera. And that nothing ever stays the same. It is only possible to embrace what is constantly fluid, remembering that the Maker has thoughtfully shown me his love, time and time again.

It is the only good thing about the cold, I've said. I will admit, though, that I've never stood shivering as I experience this love of wonder and joy of life. It's not a good thing, it's a beautiful thing.

... he says, and she rolls her eyes.

"Good result"

I received another letter from my kid in Bangladesh today!

Background: I sponsor a child in Bangladesh through Compassion International. His name is Sujon, and he is currently in first place for the most awesome kid in the country.

He's in second grade... learning a lot... found Jesus (favorite verse is John 14:6, by the way)... and likes drawing. He wants to be a businessman, which I knew already, but he seems like a determined kid still. His dad works for a harvesting company, and his mom is a field laborer. He's a tweener of four kids, and he's six years old. He likes green, soccer, running... the only thing we could disagree on is that his favorite food is eggs (SICK). But you know what he asked me just now?

"Please pray for me that I may make a good result."

Profound much, kid? Yeah, Sujon. I think I can do that.

"Please pray for me that I may not squeeze the life out of you when I finally come to visit."

180 degrees away from a pillar of salt

It's interesting how simply going home makes me think about the way I used to be.

There are no specific points along the way where I can say that I stopped being one person and became another. It presents a sort of envy in me whenever I listen to a moment in time in someone's life, when they've decided to change, then and there. I'm either not that decisive, or not that indiscreet.

Today, though, made me ponder what I've done. It seems that I've managed to change my own direction just to spite the fact that this train hasn't come across any switches. It's as if the track was simply picked up and moved. Is this the wrong metaphor? Were the enemy troops in my soul expecting an ambush, instead of the slow beleaguering of goodness? Possibly, I've trained and weathered my own conscience to the point where all I can see to do is the right thing. I suppose it doesn't matter what the metaphor looks like; the point is clear and I'm off-topic. How could I have done so many things wrong? Was that what it took to bring me here?

Was it just switch after switch, until the landmarks by the tracks were drawn so commonly that I didn't bother to notice them anymore?

Was it just ambush after ambush, until the blood on my hands refused to be washed away, making it as skin and nail?

Was it another poor decision after bad advice, until I was forced to find my way back home in the faceless cold, time and time again?

All I could have done, and all I want to return to change-- it would be for nothing. The switches have guided my route from home, and the blood is tied to who I've become. It seems that this ridiculous and intense chain of events has made it impossible for me to move backward. For the first time in a long time, I am genuinely happy with who and where I am.

Now, in five years, I may look back and recall all of the poor decisions I'm about to make. Or, I may look back and say,

You know, I was really on to something.

BEHOLD resolution.

Like many posts, it's hard to put this in my own words. In fact, this very song was also my resolution for last year. I'll just add a few songs on the front, wrap it up with new paper, and put this baby back under the tree, then.

(links are to the lyrics. see, I made it easy!)

"The Consumer's Song" by Anti-Flag

"Typical" by Mute Math

"Revolution" by Authority Zero

"Ready and Waiting to Fall" by Mae

Every New Day by Five Iron Frenzy

When I was young,
the furthest streak of light would catch my eye;
and life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for--
and I hoped in things unseen.
I had wings and dreams, could soar.
I just don't feel like flying anymore.

When the stars threw down their spears,
watered heaven with their tears,
before words were spoken; before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you.
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
every new day again.

When I was young,
the furthest I could reach was not so high;
and I thought the world was so much smaller,
feeling I could fly.

Through distant deeps and skies,
beyond infinity, below the face of heaven,
he stoops to create me.

Man versus himself, man versus machine, man versus the world, mankind versus me. The sun must go on, the wisdom I lack, the burdens keep piling up on my back. So hard to breathe, to take the next step-- the mountain is high, I wait in the depths. Yearning for grace and hoping for peace, dear God, increase.

Healing hands of God, have mercy on our unclean hearts once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition, without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever yours-- only you can make every new day seem so new.